Theresa May: “I have completely given up.”

This week has seen Theresa fall to further lows, similar to Cherwell satire

Speaking outside 10 Downing Street tonight, UK Prime Minister Theresa May declared that she has “completely given up” on the Brexit process and has “no idea what to do”.

Explaining her decision, Mrs May told reporters that “literally every option is impossible”.

Commons Leader Andrea Leadsom isbelieved to have oated the idea of a dualsystem, whereby the UK would be a member of the European Union for just twelve hours a day. This mechanism would allow Remain and Leave voters to decide which hours of the day they would prefer to live through.

Other ideas discussed included stopping the world’s clocks so as to technically extend the Article 50 negotiation period, while Amber Rudd raised the possibility of sending MPs Jacob Rees-Mogg and Anna Soubry on a teambuilding holiday.

Transport Secretary Chris Grayling had been expected to unveil a “revolutionary” solution to the deadlock in Parliament, but failed to make it to the meeting after learning that he did not, in fact, own the bicycle he had planned to use to reach Whitehall.

With Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn refusing to meet Mrs May for talks, one minister said that “it’s not really our problem any more”.

The meeting reportedly ended with a bar crawl of six Westminster pubs, representing the six percent lead enjoyed by the Conservatives in one national poll despite suffering the worst Commons defeat in British history last week.

Responding to Mrs May’s statement, a party spokesperson made Labour’s position entirely clear.

Jeremy Corbyn is “committed to delivering asuccessful Brexit”, but would “happily stop the whole thing altogether – who knows?”

On the question of whether Labour would back a second referendum on the UK’s membership of the European Union, the source said that it was “absolutely off the cards, unless we don’t get a general election, in which case we are very happy to explore that option”.

Quizzed by journalists about the question of the Northern Ireland backstop, Leave campaign gurehead Boris Johnson quickly denied that he had ever supported Brexit or served as Foreign Secretary in the UK government.

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Mrs May is expected to hold crisis talks in the Downing Street laundry with her husband, Philip, tomorrow.

But asked if she would resign as premier, Mrs May hit back defiantly.

“Let me be clear: nothing has changed”, she declared before setting off into the sunset in search of a much-needed field of wheat.